2008!

I did absolutely nothing for New Year’s and it feels great. I actually went into work and it wasn’t so bad because it was mellow and everyone was chilling. I alternated between gabbing with people, reading, and goofing off, all decked in my new jeans and my cute red shoes. I was feeling really good and it seemed to radiate that day. As I was walking around the street, people were smiling my way and being friendly. There was also a really festive vibe in the year so that helped. Last night, I went to Chipotle and saw one of the regular servers who waved at me and gave me a free bag of chips and guac.

On my the train ride home, I chatted with MF, one of Mark’s cohorts at work, who in spite of that association, isn’t half-bad. At least he talks about his girlfriend! And speaking of which, he opened up to me on the train and started telling me about his relationship and all of its challenges. I was a little puzzled and surprised that he opened up like that. He and I have always been cool but never really talked a whole lot. Sometimes I’m a little leery of him because of the Mark situation and I sometimes wonder what has been said about me between the two of them. Whatever the case, I wasn’t too concerned about that last night; I just listened to MF vent and vent and offered my advice. Funny thing is that Ricardo is always saying how people seem to like to open to me, like I’m their priest or something. I think people find me really approachable and warm. I’ll take that.

And speaking of Mark, I did end up traveling with him to go home. Not suprisingly, he he was flirtatious and texted me over the break. The interesting thing was was that I felt I really got a real glimpse of what kind of person he was. Although he tried to hide it, I could see his sullen ways, the unhappiness, the insecurity…Now at work, he hasn’t been avoiding me but has been trying to get int ouch with me on the internet computers by sitting near me or g-chatting me. This is also because I suspect his girlfriend his home for break and he can’t talk to me outside of work…LOL. what a hot mess. At work yesterday, when all of his cohorts were gone, he was sitting around all by himself, trying to pretend that he wasn’t looking for me around the room. I watched him and saw that uncomfortable demeanor again…wow. Funny that he was staying late instead of rushing home to be with the GF. I feel sorry for her, unless somehow in her mind she puts up with him because she thinks that she has hit some sort of jackpot. Ha! Cute looks only go so far!

Anyway, last night, I fell asleep before midnight but woke up here and there to read my friend’s lovely text messages for the new year.  It was nice to just be in with no major expectations to do anything but not really feeling alone because people thought enough of me to include me in their New Year’s wishes.

This morning, I treated myself to brunch (a great suggestion by a friend) and read a little bit, which I’m about to do in a minute. And yes, I must work on something art-related. I’ve been remiss for far too long. Stupid boy distractions. Time to reconnect to what’s really important in 2008!

today…

My friend RB told me that I was walking around the office like a cowboy with the way my hands were tucked in my pockets. I imagine it was something like a gunslinger. I like that. Makes me feel like a bad-ass. Let the fools beware!

i love my ipod

My iPod seem to die about two weeks ago and I wanted to die along with it. I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on that little thing until it kicked the bucket. Suddenly, I was having some serious withdrawal symptoms, like irritability (although the PMS probably didn’t help things either), difficulty concentrating…all kinds of crap. Finally, I found the time in my schedule to go to the Apple store today and hand them my poor sick one, who seemed to have kicked the bucket due to  failed battery. But no problem; they replaced him with a brand new friend, free of charge and now me and my music are reunited, even as I type this.

It’s so funny how much of an impact music has on me because the minute I had it pulsing through my ears, everything in the world seemed to make sense to me and all felt right. I think listening to music is like meditating. Sitting still and quieting my mind is pretty much impossible because I am so damn hyper but when the music comes on, I can concentrate and sit still. It’s my therapy when I’m down and my ass-kicker when I need a charge of energy. It’ll definitely come in handy tomorrow when I have to go work and make my way through the usual tomfoolery…but I think I can handle it now. (yeah, Mark, as Erykah Badu says, “you can’t fuck with me so just leave me alone.”)

But the other nice thing about having my music back is that it’ll get me back into painting mode. I wanted to sit down and work on sketches this weekned for the Warrior of the Light piece that I want to do but I haven’t been able to sit still long enough to do it. I’m still decompressing from the week’s events…or I just have ADD.

Either way…it’s all good.

be new

Where did this weekend go? All these plans to get stuff done went out the window and once again I feel myself scrambling to reclaim what I had set out to do.

Part of it is that I am embracing all this free time that I had after finishing my class and finishing up the art show. both went well and I’m happy that they did. It comes at an appropriate time when things are winding down and I can start thinking about what I’d like to do next.

Oh, and all that about giving Mark another chance. Bad idea! I was right before. The boy showed his ass again after only a week and a half and I had to resort to REALLY cutting him off by erasing his number out of my phone and deleting his info from my email. I want no temptation this time. The son of a bitch got all cold and distant to me on Wednesday, the day of my show. He couldn’t come b/c of a “birthday party” but I think his GF was in town and he was feeling guilty for like the thousandth time about what he was doing (because once again, he had started up with the flirting with me). I came over to chat with him and he looked at me like I was a snake. I remember leaving that conversation feeling awful and I knew that this had to be it. So I haven’t spoken to him since and he hasn’t bothered me. He knows the deal. The thing that annoys me is how he keeps going about his business like it’s no big deal (except when every now and then when I see him watching me a I go around the room while he pretends he’s reading his book). What a jerk! I can clearly see that he is all about himself and indulging his selfish, greedy tendencies. Earlier this week I also found out that he was getting felt up by the Concubine at one oft he office parties a few months ago. That made my stomach turn.

So now once again I”m on the road to rehab, getting over him and away from him. Of course it doesn’t help that Sonia keeps talking about him all the time to me. She keeps insisting that I shouldn’t let him bother me in that I enjoy his company and that I should consider a friendship with him and overlook the fact that he is obviously crazy. She must be crazy but then she doesn’t know him like I do. She actually thinks he’s a good guy. It’s kind of frustrating because after I tell her I’m done with the situation, she brings it up again, mostly because she talks about every damn thing AD NAUSEUM and wants to debate it and discuss it. I’m going to have to give her some distance too because she’s not helping me move past it. I spoke to K about it last night and she totally understood where I came from and I felt a lot better. She agreed; hew as just a selfish person that just wanted to mess around and that he was not worth all the drama that is swirling around him.

Unfortunately, we’re flying out together next week on our trip to MI. Yuck. More avoidance. That should be fun. I could kick myself for making those reservations analogous to his but at the time, I thought we were cool again and he seemed pretty happy that we were going to be hanging out during that time. NOT!

Looks like this is the time time to cut cords and seeing people as they really are.

I feel like I’ve had to do something similiar with BMC. She showed her ass again by not coming to the show on Wednesday. Not that I expect everyone that I invite to show up but she pulled a shady on me by telling me at the last minute that she had an office party to go to and that she had already told me about it but that I had simply forgotten. First of all,don’t tell me what I forgot and did not. I have an excellent memory and I don’t forget such things. And just a day or so earlier, she kept talking about coming to the show. I think what is really going is that she’s insecure and didn’t really want to be a part of what I am doing because of her own insecurities. She has been like that since I met her when I was 11 years old and in spite of her seeming like she ahs gotten over that, she is still pulling the same stupid shit 18 years later. I took her off my chat list too. Her phoniness is just too much.

So to hell with all these haters! All these insecure people who prey on the happy and try to snatch their sunshine off their necks.  Movin’ on up….

oh dear

I think I’m turning into a player…or at the very least a man.

I let M back in the fold and he is already asking me to go out with him again. he abruptly asked me out of the blue tonight in g-chat if I wanted to go bowling with him. I told him that I was on lock-down this weekend and couldn’t. I had work to do. He said he knew but wanted to blurt it out. I said I’d let him know. I can’t believe he asked me. Apparently, according to what one of my friends told me, he went and saw the GF while he was away on Turkey Day. I rolled my eyes at that but then shortly thereafter realized I didn’t need to care because…

I got this dude on the side and it looks like I will be going out with him for a little outing on Saturday. And get this…he asked me to go bowling with him, too! LOL. That’s a first. Two guys in one night ask me to go bowling. But you know, all the tomfoolery with M doesn’t phase me because I have options, too. Dude is really geeked at the prospect of going out with me and is willing to do whatever I want, which is a refreshing change. I have a feeling M is going to be alone this weekend and wants company. Too bad.

I feel like such a player. My friend at work encouraged me to enjoy all the attention and do what I want. That’s what men have been doing for so long anyway. Not that I want to play anyone but I’m not committed to anyone right now and I don’t have to worry about what M is doing. He can talk to the Concubine all night long if he wants to (she is still mad at me. M and I were chatting in the kitchen and she marched in, not speaking and looking all pinched up. Oh well), because I’m doing my thing too.

I hope I’m not fucking up my karma.

sunday’s solitude

There’s something about Sunday that is always kind of blah. I think it’s because I have to go back to work tomorrow and do the same thing that I have been doing for the past year and some change. There’s something very lonely about that, somehow, even though I will be back in a room full of 50 people. But in some ways it doesn’t have to do with work…there’s just a lonely feeling about Sunday. I always feel that most especially when I have to do laundry. I really hate doing laundry and somehow the thought and the act of folding clothes and setting them aside is a bumming experience.

So, I think it’s safe to say that I am feeling a little subdued for some reason. Maybe I’m coming off some sort of high or maybe slightly depressed about how much time I was bien solita. It wasn’t totally overwhelming; I did talk to Jamil for a little bit yesterday and did go out for Thanksgiving dinner with Ricardo. I guess it’s just part of the holiday thing. I have no idea what I’m going to do on Christmas. I’ve never spent a Christmas alone and I don’t think I’m about to shell out the money for a plane ticket, unless I get really desperate. Afterall, going home may not totally suck. I did talk to my mom for the first time in six months on T-day. My dad totally put her up to it; they were visiting some relatives and they knew she wouldn’t refuse to talk to me in front of a bunch of people. That was probably a blessing because I surely wasn’t in the mood for any drama. She was very civil and sounded almost jovial (though I knew it was a total act. I know she felt awkward given that it has been six damn months since we did speak).  The whole thing was very brief and it felt kind of phony but at least it wasn’t confrontational. I’m sure the next time I talk to her will be on me, and that won’t be until Christmas. I was planning on calling her anyway. That should be interesting, too. Or maybe not.

I heard from that dude I met at the U of M party again. Some random email that he sent from his Blackberry about nothing really. I was surprised that he wrote back again and was figuring that I’d hear from him later on in the week. I didn’t respond immediately and just waited a while before I wrote back. Like I said before, nice guy but no chemistry. I get the vibe that he’s kind of eager and a little on the hyperactive side. I’m trying to ignore the feeling of just wanting to be left alone.

So, it’s back to work for me. Gotta crank through this to-do list so things don’t rush past me in a blur.

all over the place

I’m all over the place with all the things I want to write in this post but I think I”ll just come out and say what’s really irking me.

I let M back into the friendship zone.

I couldn’t believe it…or yes I could. I did admit to wanting to be friends with him again and I let him back in with such a rush. I hadn’t spoken to him in over a week and a half and it was starting to really bother me. A large part of me felt satisfied that I was able to have enough influece to bring the room back into an equilibrium. He has backed off from spending so much time around the Concubine and as a result, she is furious with me for fucking up her flirt-on.

So after I finish reading my beloved book (maybe that’s waht did me in), I saw M go into the kitchen for something. Next thing I know, I’m going in there too, so i can purposely catch him to break the ice. As I’m walking in there, I’m like, “What the hell am I doing? Am I some glutton for punishment or something?” M turns and sees me and does this half-smile, half-frown thing, that looks like he kind of wants to disappear but not really. It wasn’t long before we broke the ice and we’re talking and I”m all cool and he seems tremendously relieved that we’re talking again. And I feel tremendously relieved that we are talking again. I don’t know how long we were chatting, maybe 15 minutes but it felt like a long time.

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there.

He walked past me later that day as I was hanging around K’s desk at the office. He passed me with the same half-frown, half-smile, like, “Was what happened a fluke or are we really still cool?” And I made some passing remark, he stopped, kinda grinned getting the joke and headed back to his seat.

But it doesn’t stop there.

I hopped on the internet computer to do whatever it is that I do, when he quickly jumped on there….just like he used to before we stopped talking. At that moment I sat there trying to figure out whether I should unblock him on g-chat, knowing that he was waiting to see. I unblocked him, because…well, I wanted to chat with him. And I did until it was time for me to go home. Just before I left, the Concubine hopped on there next to him. I’m sure she saw us together and knew what we were doing. She was looking rather crazy that day, I’d like to add, because she had just gotten her eyebrow tattoos redone and they looked CRAZY.

So I let him back in the fold and I was spending a lot of time pacing around, asking myself if I was out of my mind.

Wednesday, M was low-key at work. We chatted on the internet computers at work, sitting next to each other. I saw him glance at my g-mail account, probably wanting to see if he was on my quick-contacts list and wondering if I really had been blocking him all this time. We just talked for a while and the he headed back to his seat to go back to work. He passed Concubine as he did, and he greeted her stiffly. It was so bizarre! It was like she was some stranger on the street or something. She eventually went over to his desk and talked to him. For most of the day, he kept to himself and she hovered over him but they didn’t go off to have lunch together, for whatever reason. I think this infuriated her again and she went back to pouting around the office. Later on, M and I had another chat in the kitchen and it was like we were catching up on each other’s lives again. There were times when he looked at me and I could see that longing and I just blinked it off. On my way out for the evening, I went by his desk to wish him a safe trip back to MI, all the while with Concubine sitting there. He smiled broadly and wished me well with his mouth chock full of potato chips. Later, he texted me, apologizing for having a mouthful. I felt pretty good.

But I know I’m weak. I know there is an attraction but I also genuinely care about him as a friend. I like having him in my life. I confessed this to CR and as usual, she unburdened me with loving, understanding words. She cautioned me to be careful and not let him use me to avoid dealing with his problems. And she’s so right. I can’t hang out with him outside of work. I just can’t. It’s ridiculous pretending that we don’t have these feelings with him having the girlfriend liingering overhead. We’re kidding ourselves. If he asks me again, I”m going to have to be super-blunt. He is avoiding dealing with his problems and for anything to go forward, he has to stop running and hiding. I also have to know this time tha tI really need to not be so available to him and keep my eyes to the sky for my own goals and dreams. I know my own power now. I just have to remember to have faith and let go and let things unfold as they need to.

Easier said than done…shit.

In the meantime, I got an email from the guy I met at the U of M football party. I had nearly forgotten about him but he invited me out for a drink next weekend. I wrote back and told him that I wasn’t sure what my plans were but he was welcome to join up for a get-together that BMC and I were planning. He eagerly agreed and that’s that. BMC urged me to have coffee with him because he sounds cool. He was a nice guy, though I didn’t really feel any chemistry (but I only talked to him for 30 minutes. Probably not enough time to tell.). I’m just trying to be open instead of being stuck on someone because I was obsessing over someone else. I’m also really trying to be smart this time, kiddos and lemme tell you….it sho’ ain’t easy. At this point, I don’t want to deal with anyone (well, that’s not entirely true. I still have M pangs but I’m not willing to go through what I went through before). I  suddenly felt that today, although I know I’m blowing things waaaaay out of proportion. Suddenly I just want to pack off and run to Italy, just like Liz Gilbert did in her book. I just want to go off and have my own adventures and enjoy life without having to worry about guys and relationships.

the other night I was having fun with Sambarella as we planned our art show (finally have a date!) and hung out at Fuego. It was just cool and I felt in that moment, how cool life felt and I was coming into my own for a change. I want to hold to that feeling as I try to get back into painting and being more futiful in nurturing my art thing. Guys and all that relationship stuff seems so peripheral right now.

And with the last remaining bits of the weekend rolling around, I really have to take that to heart and get some shit done tomorrow. I made out my to-do list and it’s crazy, but good. At least I”m not bored.

But right now, all I want to do is snuggle up with a blanket and watch my Transformers movie for like the sixth time.

real quick

I have to make this quick but I wanted to write something. I like this ritual of writing in this blog as often as I can.

Today was back to work. Yuck. I was feeling pretty good. probably leftover endorphins from yesterdays spin class and knowing that my posture was looking great as a result. Dealing with Mark vibe wasn’t easy. I didn’t talk to him but I could feel him watching me throughout the day. I kinda got a kick out of it because I want him to pine but then I feel bad for him sometimes too. I wish I didn’t have to see him. The office concubine wasn’t there today so that helped the day move by but i’m sure her punk-ass will be there tomorrow.

In the meantime, my head is swimming to the sounds of La Copa de la Vida. I was dancing like a woman possessed tonight but it felt so good. hope i can sleep!

speaking of which, i need to go.

good times

Finally I get to write about something a little more positive and not so heavy.

This weekend whizzed by and as much as I hate to go back to work, at least I can reflect on what a good weekend I had.

Yesterday I did end up going to the football party to see Benecia after I settled down from my “religious experience”. I felt really zen-like riding the train in there. It was the oddest feeling that has kind of left a little bit but it left a heavy footprint on me that I hope stays. By the time I strolled in for the party, I was feeling pretty chill and relaxed. People there were surprisingly friendly and outgoing, even though U of M was getting their asses handed to them by OSU. Anyway, I felt pretty cool walking in and I felt like people were looking at me like, “Who’s that?” I quickly found Benecia and made my way over there. She introduced me to this girl that I went to high school with! We both recognized each other’s faces. Meredith graduated a year before me so I never really was friends with her but I definitely knew her face. And here she was living in NYC! I also met a few other people from Lansing so it was definitely a trip.

In addition to that, I met this dude from Detroit that I talked to for a while. He seemed very gregarious and talkative and we exchanged info. It felt good to get in the mix in that way again. Helps put the the other tomfoolery into perspective.

Anyway, after that game ended, several of us headed over to a nearby diner to hang out. We ended up staying there for a couple of hours just laughing and talking about life, making it in NY, and everything else under the sun. It really felt great to be amongst people that were trying to do something with their lives and who had ideas and were lively. I didn’t realize how deep I was buried in my own little world of work and home life. It was a breath of fresh air to be talking to people who were doing different things other than the usual B.S. from the doc review world. I’m looking forward to the next get-together.

Today I met up with my girl SLB and had a heart-to-heart. Sounds like we were kind of going through the same thing although her issues are with a man she is married to. SLB is beginning to realize how difficult marriage is and how putting yourself second is NEVER a good idea. My friend has been feeling really sad and depressed for losing touch with herself, mainly because she was putting her husband’s needs above her own and felt like she was getting little from him in return. I told her about my experience with my cathartic book and together we marched over to Borders and got her a copy. She seemed to feel more inspired after our outing. I hope she is able to recharge and replenish her spirit.

Hearing her talk about her marriage made me really wonder about guys and relationships. As much as I long for someone decent, I also shudder at the thought of the compromise and uphill battles that go along with them. It seems like dudes just do whatever the hell they want to and march along and we women are racing to catch up with them to please them and nurture them. SLB complained about how at the end of a long day, her husband will expect her to have dinner ready for him or how she has to tell him to do thing like he is a child. She has gotten so frustrated that she has screamed, and thrown glasses around the apartment. I was shocked when she told me that; SLB is so calm and serene. I would’ve never expected her to be driven to that. Is that what I have to look forward to in a marriage? No thank you!

Of course I don’t think that’s what comes along with it but I just think about the frustration I have felt with the men in my life and worrying about striking that balance between being true to yourself and providing for the relationship and all that jazz. It’s so complicated! ugh.

Tomorrow is another day at the orafice. I don’t want to go in. I don’t want to see Mark. I’ve decided today that he is a punk. Yesterday I was feeling compassion towards him. That shit did a total about-face. I don’t know if it was a night’s dream, or just seeing the alternatives after beingw ith more interesting people last night. Maybe it was my endorphins that were roaring in my ear after an nice workout. I don’t know. I just started thinking about the whole thing and I was like, “God, thank god I got the fuck away from him.” But I wouldn’t be surprised if that changed after tomorrow. It’s like once you get caught in that existence, you really get swallowed up and start thinking that that crazy shit is normal! Yeah, definitely need to hang out more and have new experiences. That’s the healthiest thing.

Time to wind down. Club Bed awaits.

nature of a freak

Something is happening to me.  This book is doing something to do me that I never imagined. I’ve never had such a strong reaction or such a cathartic experience from reading something.

I have just spent the last hour crying off and on after reading this passage in the book about the author and her self-realization of being a control freak. that’s not what made me really cry but that did strike a chord with me. I am a total control freak. I didn’t realize it until I started reading what Liz’ friend told her in the Ashram about being a control freak. The timing of that couldn’t have been better. Yesterday, I was sitting around thinking that I should send an email to Mark explaining why I did what I did and why I wasn’t speaking to him. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. I thought I was doing myself a favor by doing so. I thought by sending it, I would comfort both of us at the same time and to let him know that things would be okay and blah, blah. I ran the idea by Sonia, who has become a trusted confidante in this whole matter. She just said coolly that I shouldn’t, that I should just let it go. Just let time smooth things over and stop thinking that life has to be fixed and wrapped pack up in a package. I knew she was right. And the truth was that there was already a little sign that I didn’t need to. While waiting in the lunch line, there were a few minutes Mark and I exchanged looks but they weren’t tense and crazy or drama-filled. They were just gentle smiles passed between us in the midst of amusement as we joked about lunch like we always did. It almost seemed like there was an understanding right there. A few minutes later we passed each other in the kitchen and pleasantries were exchanged with simple, “Hi, how are you’s?”

Now, the control freak in me, probably rose up in that moment and felt the need to grab a hold of that and turn it into something. That’s a habit of mine. I spent the rest of the day, obsessing over the situation, over whether things had really made a turn for the better in terms of the work environment….to see if Mark really had modified his behaviour as a result of me pulling back. How often was he talking to Jeng? Were they still in each other’s face? Did I really matter that much to Mark that I could make him re-examine his life and make him change his behaviour?

In short, I was making myself crazy. And then I started beating myself up for having those thoughts, for fussing over what Mark thought, for being sad that we weren’t talking to each other like before. I started scolding myself for being weak and being so needy that these things consumed me so much.

On my way home, I started reading about Liz’ exprience in the Ashram and her anguish over not being able to get over her ex-boyfriend and how those thoughts invaded her when she should’ve been meditating and her emotions were being purged. In her conversations with her friend, the Texas Guru, he started pointing out things about her that smacked me hard. The need to control everything. The need to, when things don’t go my way (for once in my life since I pretty much gotten what I wanted in many respects), I scramble to fix them or find a solution or some deeper meaning or over-analyze….yup, that was me all right. It hit me smack in the face.  If only I could just be still.

I wasn’t still at all last night. All that pent-up energy was coursing through me from the long day and the long class and I spent a lot of time, talking out loud to myself and pacing, until I basically wore myself out and went to sleep. I didn’t want to in a way because I was afraid of my dreams. I have been having very emotional dreams that I know are a result of my mind going in overdrive trying to cleanse, purge and process all that has been bottled up. The night before I had another dream about my mom for the second night in a row (before then, I rarely had dreams about her). Last night I had dreams about Mark again, but this time it was negative and yet I found myself trying to control his behaviour in it. We were in the office and I saw things swiftly disintegrating in front of me and I felt panicky as I tried to fix them.

I woke up feeling confused and a little sad and lonely. I beat myself up for feeling that way.  Then I started reading more this morning about the author trying to meditate and all of these feelings about her ex came swirling about and then her mind began to judge. She looked past that and decided to respond to her judgmental mind with compassion and then her soul roared out, “YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS.” i read the passage again on the following page and then all of a sudden, my chest broke and I started crying (almost like I am starting to cry right now).  It hit me like a ton of bricks again and the tears kept coming and coming and I had to put the book down and cry. Then I spent the next hour crying and trying to hide that from my roommate who had unexpectedly come home earlier than I had anticipated. I keep crying when I think about that statement and trying to understand WHY I am crying. I think about and I feel transported, like I am going to another place, like everything around me feels too small and I want to be in a wide open space. I keep thinking about that statement and I just cry, not out of sadness, I just don’t know what. Maybe it’s because I feel like I have no room in my life for hate, that no matter how angry I have been at people and cursed them, that I didn’t hate them. Maybe I’m crying because I’m suddenly opening up that fortress over my heart and being honest about how hurt and lonely I feel but in a way that’s different…probably because I”m seeing it reflected by to me in this book. I don’t know. It just feels overwhelming and yet I’m afraid to let it go. In brief flashes I feel peace and grace and that I will be okay. There’s still that side of me that wants to run out and tell and share. There is a part of me that wants to run and tell Mark because had it not been for this experience with him, I would never gotten this book. I know that is premature and at this time when his heart his hurting from depression, he would probably not understand or something dangerous would happen. There is a part of me that believes that there will be a time for that conversation with him but it’s not now.

I don’t know. I’ve never felt this way before. To feel a little fearful but yet free and open to uncertainty and being okay. It’s all jumbled up right now. It’s a scary feeling and somehow good at the same time. I feel like Natalie Portman in that scene from V for Vendetta when she has a total meltdown and her world is changed upside down and all she can do is cry, gasp for breath and gulp in the rain (God is in the rain). It’s overwhelming.

But now I have to kind of pull it together to meet up with Benecia to go to a bar, of all places., to watch, of all things, a football game between two teams that I am ambivalent to. But I’m going to get out of the house and probably out of my head. I just don’t want to lose that feeling.

Tomorrow I will see Sarahi and tell her what I feel. She will understand. She is one of the most spiritual people I know and right now, she says, she is going through a spirtual journey and transformation. It will be good to see her and talk to her. The need feels so urgent right now.

But in the meantime, I’m going to be patient.