I’ve given up on the handwritten journal for now…until I start trekking around somewhere where hauling a laptop becomes too cumbersome for my own good, I’m going to stick to journaling my more personal musings out here in Blogland.
Inspired by my newest read, Eat, Pray, Love, I’ve decided to reconnect with the power of purging through written word and just lay out my baggage to do some emotional housecleaning, some of which is too personal for the other blog.
So, I’m trying to pull myself out of Mark Mire and having the damnest time trying to do so. It’s been about a week since I’ve decided to pull the plug on whatever it was that we were doing. At first I thought I was just pulling the plug on random tomfoolery but now it feels like I broke up with someone, like I ended a relationship. Well, in a way, I did. I’m just not sure if I’m making more out of it because I see him everyday at work.
And that is what makes this shit so damn hard. I see him every day. I habitually look to see if he’s sitting in his seat when I walk in. I am ever-conscious of whether or not he’s watching me from his perch, which I’m fairly certain he is. I’m still looking out of the corner of my eye to see if he’s still constantly around that annoying Escort. In other words, I’m still affected and I still care when I am really trying to get to that place where I do not care what he does or doesn’t do.
But it’s soooo complicated by the fact that I see this dude all the time. If I didn’t, it would be easier, like when I said sayonara to Kim and didn’t have to look on his face again.
Today, I felt the huge need to repress the urge to reach out to him. I see that he is sad. I see that he misses me. I see that he a troubled soul and goddammit, I still want to help him. It’s my weakness, seeing a person that I cared about being in pain, even when that person caused me pain. I want to go over and try and lay some healing on him. Is this because I’m a forgiving person or is it because I’m still just needy?
I think what fucked me up was that dream I had last night. I dreamed that we went and saw Transformers together (again, I guess) and he told me how he really could appreciate the movie because of my passion for it, or some junk like that. And that felt good but then I woke up and realized I was dreaming and that we aren’t talking because things are kind of fucked up between us and that I swatted him away like a fly. Today we did cross paths for the first time and we looked at each other but managed to say a smile and a hello between us. I felt relieved having done so. I wanted to convey in that brief exchange something along the lines of, “Yes, I’m pulling back to protect myself but I’m okay and I want you to know that I don’t hate you. That I could never hate you and that in time I will forgive all this and that there is a part of me that wants to be your friend but I’m too vulnerable for that right now and you are entirely too conflicted right now to be a real friend to me.”
Yeah, I still want to be his friend. I do. I don’t hate the guy. I’ve tried…to the point I that I pretended that I was a cold-hearted pimp that slapped people around to keep them in line. Sure, I realize that it’s a metaphor but I just can’t seem to just tell this dude to eff off.
So yeah, back to where I was. I want to be his friend. But I can’t right now. I don’t know if that day will come and I am fighting that urge to put a deadline on when that day will come. I’m fighting the urge to assure him that things will be okay because that is how I got in trouble again and neglected myself. I have to remind myself to stop worrying about him and start taking care of myself and nurture my dreams and my longings. I have to assure myself first that I’m going to be okay.
Until then, the best I can do is smile and be cordial when we pass each other at work. To be kind but keep him at a distance so I can protect myself. I have to be my own protector. And of course Mark has to get right with himself too. That’s what I want him to know most of all. He frantically tried to catch me as I slipped away last week, not realizing that the thing that would’ve kept me around is if he had been a real friend to me. If he had just stood up for me. And that ’s what made me so angry. I realize now with more clarity that he can’t do that with his issues. If there is anything that I want to hint to him is…”when you get it together, when you are right with yourself, then come and find me. “
Who knows if that day will ever come?
But until then, day by day. Focus on me. I am praying to reach deeper into that divine space in my own heart where nothing like this can hurt me, and what he does or doesn’t do doesn’t matter anymore because I am okay with myself.
